Multiple miscarriages is hard. It often brings out the question of why and how to stop it, but, the truth is, sometimes, there is no answer.
After the sudden change in our life due to hubby’s health condition and chemo treatment, we stop trying for a while as getting hubby to be health is the top priority now. The scar of losing babies are there, but we never try to forget about it because it’s part of the our life and it will always be. We move on together and count our blessings in many different ways.
Hubby’s treatment is going well but hard, as we both love food and cooking, we paying more attention on using more fresh ingredients, and light way to prepare the food. I pick up backing toasts, bread and some Taiwanese style baking specialities, continue crocheting and making amigurumi. All the usual days are not unusual because we spend time together to create memories and food together.
We certainly want a baby but we know we can’t just live our life of thinking about it but forget to look around of other beautiful things. I took a long vacation to visit family and friends. About 2 month after the trip, we discovered our 3rd pregnancy! I can’t hide the joy and was so excited. I also starts injecting heparin twice a day as well as taking low dose aspirin. The medication are prescribed by my OB. I have to be honest that I was terrified with needles for long time; however, when you want to become a mother, you learn to be brave and strong. After a quick walkthrough with the nurse of how to inject the medicine for myself, I start “poking” myself.
Heparin has to inject around the belly button area. Trust me, you do run out the spots where you can inject the medicine. Heparin is also a type of blood thinner medication and the area you poke with injecting will also be bruised.
Besides routine checkup (mine is once a week as I see OB speciality, not general OB) with HCG counts and standard blood tests, the most expected moment is the first ultrasound around 8 weeks to check if we can confirm baby’s heartbeat. On the first ultrasound day, I was so scared but excited, I was so hoping to see the little blinking star on the screen; however, as soon as the screen shows, I knew this pregnancy might be another sad one.
We waited 2 more weeks to see if baby’s heartbeat can be identified, but we were not able to. Another D&C was scheduled, when I was at OR, I tried to keep calm and pray that this will be the last time I have to do D&C due to unsuccessful pregnancy.
Healing from surgery was fast for me. 2 weeks after the procedure, I went back to OB for final check up to make sure the uterus is clean and no tissues are left inside. This officially ended the 3rd baby journey but our heart were poke with a huge hole…
My coworkers then dragged me into learning hula. And only until now I realized that how thankful I am to all those coworkers. Practicing hula not only just a wellness exercise, but I am also given the opportunity to learn deeper of Hawaiian culture as well as a type of self-healing process.
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自從老公被通知需要開始化療後，我們全心全意地專注在如何幫助老公調適因為治療所帶來的疼痛外，也更加注意飲食和生活作息。身體上的疼痛絕對不僅僅是唯一需要關心的，每個病人所要接受的除了外在外，心，也很重要。對於孩子的事，我們決定暫時放在一旁，等調整好老公的身心靈後再來考慮吧！老公治療的期間，我請了個長假回家探望家人和老朋友。也許是這個長假讓我稍稍地放鬆，居然在假期結束二個月後，我發現我懷孕了！
對於第三次的懷孕，已經慢慢從之前的驚喜轉變成微微的恐懼，深怕自己哪裡又做得不對不好而影響了肚裡的寶寶。和婦產科醫生會診後，醫生決定讓我開始一天一顆低劑量的阿斯匹靈 (美國的低劑量在普通的藥局都可以自行購買，不需要處方簽，81mg) 以及開始自己施打肝素(一天二次，劑量的話每個醫生的標準不同，所以我就不在此分享了)。
老實說我是個非常害怕打針的人，每次打針時我的眼睛都閉的緊緊的。結果現在卻要我自己下手！！！！！！ 可是說也奇怪，人類潛能真的太無限，尤其是想當媽媽的人，總是能夠說服自己再痛都要咬著牙撐下去。婦產科的護士詳細的簡說如何抽藥，如何下針，如何推針，拔針後要壓著剛剛施打的地方多久… 等等之類的資訊後，我帶著一堆得針管，一個大大的針筒收集箱（在美國所有的針筒都要謹慎地處理，不能隨便丟到平常的垃圾桶裡）和一堆的酒精棉片，回家開始了打針的日子。
除了每個星期的例行檢查和抽血外（因為我的婦產科醫生是特別的專門婦產科醫生，所以產檢得很頻繁），其實能做的並不多，只能告訴自己要多放鬆心情，遵照醫囑。數著日子終於來到第一次照超音波的時候，如果可以確認心跳，那就通過第一關了！只可惜，當我看到螢幕時，我馬上就已經知道這個小天使應該不會和我們在一起了。醫生很耐心的告知我們，雖然現在沒有確認寶寶的心跳，但我們再等一週看看，有些寶寶的心跳會開始的比較慢，也許下個星期就會看到了。
拿著今天的超音波照片，提不起勁地慢慢走出醫院，很快的就是母親節了，今年會有個寶貝可以陪我們過節嗎？
過了一星期後的回診還是無法確認寶寶心跳，醫生和護士很細心的先幫我約了Ｄ＆Ｃ的手術日期和時間，告知我如果在手術約定日期前有出血的狀況一定要打電話通知他們。這一次必須上手術台做小手術，寶寶自己不願意出來。手術室裡一貫地開著強冷的冷氣，躺在冰涼涼的手術台上等醫生時，我不知道自己還能再做些什麼，只希望如果有一下次懷孕的機會，希望不會又是這樣傷心的結局。
我們都很習慣性的不斷找尋答案來解釋生命中不能解釋的為什麼。面對多次流產，但每次的檢驗報告都說找不到問題，慢慢的，你學會原來這個世界上也很多無法解釋的事情。只是，你如何在一次次地失敗後，要懷抱著多大的勇氣去面對下一個嘗試？