4 months had passed by from last miscarriage, I was busy with hula practice, learning new baking skills, crocheting new amigurumi toys and creating new crochet mermaid tails for friend’s new born as a gift. It’s never easy not to think about the little angels who had left. The hole in the heart is deep and dark, and I simply try to fulfill the time with various projects so I will not circle myself with all the sadness.
Most doctor generally suggest to space each pregnancy about 6 months apart so that your body and uterus have enough rest. We weren’t in the hurry to try, just take it easy to heal and be happy with each other, especially with hubby’s health condition.
It was around the moon festival at year 2015, I was busy baking the taro pastry from scratch. For some reason, feel extra tired after 2 days of baking. I suddenly remember it seems super overdue for my period. Although we aren’t really trying, but still need to figure out why period is late… ?! Next morning, I pull out the old collection of pregnancy testers (not expired yet. LOL) and did a quick test at first thing on the next day. In less than 1 minute, a light second line showed up…. That is a bit surprise… but since the line is still a bit too light, we will try again tomorrow to see if the line gets darker. I packed my work bag and go to work just like another day.
Next day early morning, I took the test again and the line is getting much darker compare to yesterday’s. I called my OB specialist office to let them know and also trying to schedule an appointment with the doctor. OB doctor instructed me to start heparin shot to help the blood flow better in uterus in order to help baby grow stronger.
The following couple weeks I was craving for spicy food pretty bad but not major morning sickness. Continue practicing hula, baking, crocheting and sewing (of course also still working) just like usual. On the day for the first ultrasound, I told myself, no matter what it will show on the screen later, peacefully accept it. Once again, the heartbeat couldn’t be confirmed and doctor would like to wait 1 more week and check up again. I walked out the doctor office with uncontrolling mix feelings. I am not sure where to start or stop all the complex emotions. A week later the check up didn’t show up any hope. The doctor office scheduled my D&C for one week later. They told me if I bleed before the scheduled D&C, please give them a call.
I decide to take off couple days to do some of craftings to relax. I talked to my belly as the little one still inside and I know it can hear. 3 days later, when hubby and I had dinner at one of the small Japanese restaurant, huge warm wet feeling was down at my pants. I ran to restroom and it was full of blood on the pad I put on and it’s fully soaked…
We rushed home and I was on toilet for good 3 hours long because the blood just won’t stop and I knew it’s baby saying goodbye. I never see that much blood coming out from myself and I was so weak. Hubby helped to call OB doctor office next morning and doctor asked me to rest up for at least 3 days. This pregnancy officially end here. We told our OB doctor that we would like to take a short break from trying. He agrees with it but he suggested us to go IVF session couple months later as I am not young anymore and I have been going through 6 IUI and 4 natural pregnancy all fails… Hawaii state is one of a few states that provide each couple one time shot of insurance covered IVF session. Of course, your doctor still needs to provide bunch of documentation to show that you have been trying and going through a lot but still not success in order to get the full insurance coverage.
We took our doctor’s suggestion and decide to go with the IVF session.
Since my uterus and body will need a good rest, I will be on birth control pills for 3 month.
For now, I simply take it easy and try to relax ~
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距上次流產過了四個月了，為了不讓自己沈浸在失去的傷痛中，我讓自己除了工作之外變得更為忙碌。呼拉舞的練習次數愈來愈多，練習烤著不同的餅乾和中式麵點，鉤針娃娃挑戰難度更高的之外，我還忙著編織即將出世小姪女的美人魚尾巴！
就算如此的忙碌，偶爾還是會在空閒時想起那三個和我們沒有緣分的小寶貝們。
大多數的醫生建議每個懷孕期間最好空隔六個月或六個月以上。事實上因為老公的身體狀況和化療，我們並沒有很強求和給自己太大的壓力。
那是2015年中秋節左右吧，我忙著練習烤芋頭酥和綠豆椪時，總覺得特別的累。還以為是揉了太多麵團，油酥，做芋頭泥和炒肉燥餡，但是不管如何休息就總還是覺得累。念頭突然一轉，才想起這個月的月事晚了好多天了，……… 不可能吧！難道是我自己的想像嗎？
雖然八成是，但還是要驗一下孕，如果沒有懷孕的話，我還是需要去看一下醫生，打個催經針。
不驗孕還好，天啊！一驗，沒有多久，淡淡的第二條居然出現了！這真是太神奇了！
但是為了安全起見，明天一早再驗一次看看好了，如果線有變深的話我再打電話給我的醫生。
隔天一早一起床就馬上衝去驗孕，第二條線出現後馬上拿出昨天的驗孕棒比對，顏色已經相對變深多了。哇！這是多麽棒的一個中秋節禮物啊！緊張又開心的一等到婦產科診所一開門，我馬上電話連絡他們通知。我馬上被安排隔天立馬去找醫生，抽血檢查已經是基本項目了。會診醫生後，醫生囑咐要我繼續施打肝素和服用低劑量的阿斯匹靈。這二個藥物都是幫助血液能夠快速地流到子宮以幫助住在裡面的寶寶有足夠的營養好好長大。
接下來的幾週，我不斷地只想吃辣的食物。除此之外，我一直都很幸運的沒有早期孕吐的症狀，也能夠好好睡覺。所以就繼續做著喜歡的事情，練習呼拉舞，烤著新餅乾，做著勾針娃娃和車縫新款式包包。雖然台灣有很多傳統的習俗說這個不能做那個不能做的，但是我覺得準媽媽開心最重要。終於來到第一次照超音波的日子，我小聲的告訴自己，不論等一下看不看的到心跳，平心靜氣地接受。果然，準媽媽的第六感都是很準的。醫生一貫用著平穩的語氣告知我們還沒看到寶寶心跳，再等一個星期看看，但是肝素和低劑量的阿斯匹靈要繼續施打和服用喔。
沒神的走出醫生的診所，雖然不斷的告訴自己不要擔心太多，但亂七八糟的情緒還是湧了上來。
一個行屍走肉般的一週過後，再次回診時還是沒有看到心跳。護士幫我先跟醫院約了一個星期後的小手術時間。同樣的，如果這一周內我有出血的話，要馬上打電話給醫生。
我決定給自己幾天假期，讓自己能夠和肚子裡的小寶貝獨處，講講話。我知道未來幾天內我可能就會失去它了 ~三天後當我和老公在家裡附近的一間日本餐廳吃晚餐時，我突然覺得自己濕了一大片，下意識覺得自己在大量出血！衝去餐廳的廁所時，一看到自己的衛生棉片已經吸飽了大量的血，不管我如何擦拭，血就是不停地出來。換上新的衛生棉片後，我衝回去餐廳座位告訴老公我們必須馬上回家，不然你會看到滿身是血的老婆在餐廳嚇壞其他的客人。
還好住得很近，一回家後我馬上進去浴室，一屁股坐在馬桶上，血不斷地流……
這一坐就是三個多小時，因為血一直不停，我就算放了衛生棉片也是不到五分鐘的滿載血量。所以就乾脆坐在馬桶上，看著滿滿一個馬桶的血，我想哭也哭不出來，只是全身無力的等著什麼時後血量會變小，所以我可以到床上去休息。就這樣，我第四次的流產發生了。隔天我打了電話到醫生診所去告知他們出血的狀況，醫生要我好好休息幾天，再一個星期後到診所去照超音波確認子宮是乾淨的。
一個星期後的回診確認子宮已經都乾淨後，我們告知醫生我們希望可以休息一小段時間之後再繼續嘗試。醫生同意了，但是建議我們考慮下一次療程可以做IVF，畢竟我們年紀也不小了。夏威夷州是少數醫療保險有給付一次的IVF療程的州。雖然如此，通常保險公司還是審核的很嚴格，但依我豐富的流產紀錄，是不大可能被拒絕的。
經過考慮後，我和老公決定接受醫生的建議，開始試管療程。剛好我們也希望休息一陣子，這休息的時間就剛好可以用來備孕。我的婦產科醫生也剛好是我的試管療程的主治醫生，他要我先吃三個月的避孕藥，好讓子宮能夠有足夠的休息。
現在，讓自己盡量放鬆，好好地為療程做準備。