Believe in the timing of your life.
Over the past 11 years, my husband has undergone more than 700 cancer treatments, while I, with my infertility struggles, bravely gave birth to our beloved child during that time, eight weeks before the expected due date.
This is a story of enduring physical and emotional torment, dealing with my loved one’s illness, parenting, and immigration battles. Life’s numerous surprises and experiences have allowed me to know myself on a deeper level. I went from seeking external help to understanding that I possessed the strength to pull myself through the darkest times.
I hope that by sharing this brief personal story, it can offer comfort and inspiration to other souls fighting their battles in different forms of darkness, giving them the confidence to break through and discover unexpected possibilities.
I am immensely grateful, to many and many. Whether it was in the realm of spirituality or in practical life experiences, those who have aided us along the way. Your collective participation has added vibrant colors to this unique journey.
Thank you to my spiritual teachers, the boundless source of love and existence!
The birth of this article is also to be grateful for Teacher Zhan’s strong invitation and guidance. Thank you~
Every piece of her writing brings me immense inspiration and healing, and I hope this power extends to even wider and farther places and people.
Love and tranquility, just like the energy she conveys, is calm yet infinitely resilient.
The start point ~
September 6, 2019
Hello, Teacher Zhan,
A few days ago, while searching online for information on how to connect with the spiritual realm and receive guidance, I unexpectedly came across your website. Taking a little “me time” after putting my child to sleep, I read many articles on your website, and a voice from the depths of my heart told me that I must write a message to thank you sincerely.
I really enjoy your writing style and the way you express yourself. It’s like a “ding”! Someone is able to write about many of the questions and insights I have had over the years in such an approachable manner.
I was born and raised in Tainan and later went abroad to study. By a stroke of luck, I found a job and have always hoped to settle down overseas. Over the years, there have been many ups and downs, but I always manage to find a way out even in the most perilous situations.
Tomorrow, I will once again stand before a foreign judge, seeking justice for my future and the belated sense of righteousness. I don’t know where I found the courage to go this far.
Summing up more than a decade of stories is not easy in just a short message. I hope that, through the cosmic connection of our antennas, there will be an opportunity to meet you in person someday. But for now, what I most want to share is: Thank you.
Your words bring so much tranquility and affirmation.
October 4, 2019
Hello, Teacher Zhan,
It has been nearly a month since I last shared with you and received your blessings and positive energy. After graduating from university in 2003, I followed my parents’ expectations and went abroad for further studies by the end of the same year. By the end of 2005, I obtained my degree and happily secured a good job overseas. Besides being incredibly fortunate to secure a work visa, I worked for many years and finally persuaded my employer to sponsor my immigration to the United States based on my job.
After getting married, the process of immigration began. Unlike most people, both my husband and I needed to go through the employment-based immigration route. This has been a marathon lasting over a decade. In addition to facing numerous obstacles orchestrated skillfully by the U.S. government and officials, all seemingly impossible and arduous stories were cleverly incorporated into my immigration documents.
Until now, I am still striving for my immigration status. It has been almost nine years since our marriage when, during the second year, my husband was unexpectedly diagnosed with stage two cancer. After surgery, it progressed to stage four due to cancer cell metastasis.
Simultaneously facing the possibility of my husband’s condition worsening at any time, my heart bears multiple pressures and blows. Amidst all these events and the prolonged immigration stress, I have held onto the belief that these tribulations are laying the foundation for a better future.
We have always held onto the belief that the future is bright and that most people are inherently good and honest. I am not clear on why life presents us with these individuals and events, but at least I believe myself to be a very honest and upright person.
However, at least for now, I am finding it difficult to see clearly the path ahead…
To face the truest self within is to possess boundless courage to thrive in the classroom of life on Earth. In the early autumn of 2003, carrying two large suitcases, I arrived on the island of Hawaii, embarking on a journey of learning and creating my own future.
If you are imagining that I had family and friends on the island, ready to arrange everything for me, that would be completely contrary to the truth. From a young age, I loved to swim against the social tide. The more mainstream something was, the more I avoided it. The more impossible a goal or task seemed, the more I relished the challenge. This included choosing to study on a small island amidst the vast ocean, which perplexed many.
Breaking traditional rules and incorporating new ideas into real life has always been an experience I enjoyed. As a person with a stable intuition, I often quickly make decisions to bring what I want into my life. However, this doesn’t mean that the elders and “adults” around me can understand the conviction and motivation that I find hard to explain.
During the process of growing up, this tug-of-war was quite challenging. I knew precisely what goals I wanted to achieve and challenge, but I often had to gradually align with others’ expectations. It wasn’t until I became an independent adult that I gradually understood that I was one of the indigo children. I came to Earth with courage and the power of a warrior to break old traditions and norms. Simultaneously, with my small light, I aim to amplify a greater light.
Reference Love and Tranquility website article:
Embrace You and the Indigo Child with Love
(Indigo Child’s Voice) No label can define my identity.
The Knowing and Cherishing with Bryan
Twenty years ago, I met my husband Bryan on one of the most beautiful islands in the world. I still remember it was a busy semester for me, transitioning from business school to pursue a degree in science. I never seemed to have a moment’s rest, juggling work-study and double the required courses, leaving no room for the credits of love. But you know how it is; when love comes, it feels like nothing can resist its pull.
Bryan and I met while studying at the same university. He is a Chinese-Filipino with proficiency in English and three other languages. His family had deep connections with Taiwan, which allowed him to have considerable knowledge about the country.
Surprisingly, we found that we could overcome many distractions and interferences. It was a tranquil feeling, knowing that we could be each other’s support.
Bryan and I share similar thought patterns, which makes us adept at handling any challenge. With the support of both visible and invisible benefactors, we have been able to overcome unimaginable hardships.
For example, when Bryan was diagnosed with malignant tumors and the hospital arranged for immediate surgery, the surgeon turned out to be an old friend of Bryan’s relative. It was like heaven sent an angel to help us in our troubled times.
Another magical example was when our child required an emergency C-section. We discovered that the students interning at the hospital’s obstetrics and pediatrics departments that day were all familiar faces to me. Upon recognizing me as the patient on the delivery table, some students attended to Brian outside, while others contacted their fellow students working in the pediatrics department, ensuring our newborn baby received exceptional care.
Furthermore, it turned out that my attending physician was none other than the professor guiding these students.
In these synchronicities, we find comfort and a belief that we are connected to something greater, watching over and guiding us on this journey.
Believe in ourselves and our intuition.
Never doubt ourselves and what we know.
At the right time, within our own hearts,
We will find the answers we have been seeking.
We often seek answers from the outside, hoping someone will come to save us.
But the answers always lie within our own hearts; all we need to do is practice listening to our inner voice and trust it.
Life’s Dark Moments
Perhaps, we are always facing challenges, but heaven also always provides us with the care and help we need. No matter how small the act of kindness, as long as we give it out, one day, that kindness will come back to us in surprising ways.
In the second year of our marriage, when we were supposed to be starting the brightest chapter of our lives, Bryan received the diagnosis of cancer. I vividly remember that day when Bryan was too weak to walk out of our house. Against his wishes, I insisted on driving him to the emergency room. He told me to go back to work, assuring me that everything would be fine, and we could talk later.
From that moment on, we entered the first dark period in each other’s lives. From the emergency room, hospitalization, identifying the tumor’s location, undergoing major surgery to remove the tumor, continuous treatments, and more, every minute could potentially be our last time together.
Bryan was diagnosed with stage IV colorectal cancer. The tumor was already the size of a grown man’s fist (10.5 cm x 7.6 cm) and had metastasized to his liver. Originally estimated as stage II, it was directly upgraded to stage IV, which was considered terminal.
After the surgery, during which one-third of his colon was removed along with the surrounding lymph nodes, we didn’t immediately inform our Taiwanese family. Firstly, I needed all the physical and mental strength to assist Bryan in his treatment, and I also needed time to process the overwhelming information. Secondly, even if we told them, it would only cause unnecessary worry without fully understanding the situation.
Bryan underwent chemotherapy for nearly six years, receiving treatments twice a month, along with regular blood tests and check-ups. Every six months, he also had a CT scan to monitor the tumor’s status in the liver.
After more than five years of chemotherapy, the tumor showed signs of change, indicating that the treatment was losing its efficacy. Fortunately, just as chemotherapy stagnated, immunotherapy emerged. Bryan and his doctor were on the same page, and the new immunotherapy was applied to his treatment. Although there were ups and downs and different challenges to face, such as the immunotherapy losing its effect but timely transitioning to another drug, we are endlessly grateful that, despite being initially given just one year to live, Brian is still by our side to this day.
As of August 10, 2020, Bryan has undergone nearly 720 cancer check-ups and treatments, and as his closest companion, I handle daily affairs with trepidation while cultivating a heart of gratitude. Meeting and falling in love with Bryan in a paradise-like destination, imagining the life young people should have after marriage, and creating an ordinary family should have been the path most people follow. However, being prone to challenging life’s different definitions, we were given an extraordinary assignment by fate.
We got used to relying on ourselves, facing the monstrous demon of cancer fearlessly. Instead, through continuous learning and understanding of cancer, we became more steadfast in believing that worrying and being afraid are far scarier than cancer itself. Understanding diminished the feeling of fear. Although no one can provide definite answers, these more than ten years of fighting cancer have taught us to understand, give, have deep faith in our choices, and persevere, and eventually, we will see the distant light on the dark road.
Remember to Embrace Yourself
Most people focus on the recovery and healing of cancer patients, but they forget that caregivers also suffer from physical and psychological stress. Few mention how caregivers should take care of themselves. To be honest, I have also somewhat forgotten how I came this far, but I only remember my ability to filter out and neutralize unnecessary voices. It is this ability that has allowed me to persevere through every journey.
This healing is challenging to explain in words, but I am deeply grateful for having this ability and learning to use it wisely. If you, who are reading this, are also on this path that not everyone can understand, please remember to always embrace yourself.
Even though external help may seem beneficial in the moment, on this journey, all you have is to believe in yourself and understand the flow of life, allowing everything to develop naturally without trying to control it. Only then can you find the courage to face the unknown.
Deciding to Have a Child with Bryan
At the beginning of our thirties, Byian and I faced significant challenges in our lives. Besides dealing with cancer treatment, we also struggled with infertility. Should we have concerns and worries about having a child under such circumstances?
During Bryan’s cancer treatment, we consulted many doctors about whether these therapies would affect the growth of a fetus, but no one could provide a definitive answer. There were no young patients like him who required such extensive medical treatment at that time, and there were no literature reports to track relevant information.
However, as Bryan’s treatment showed diminishing results, I don’t know where I found the courage to consider trying to have a child for us. Having a child was something we had always hoped for, especially as Brian’s condition worsened, the desire to have a child became even stronger.
This was around the fourth year of our marriage, the second to third year after Byian was diagnosed with cancer. Initially, he was a bit hesitant about having a child, but as he mentioned in a media interview, he quickly came to understand and accept why I insisted on having our own child because this child would carry a part of him. Even if in the future, he could not be with us, his life would continue through our child.
Neither my family in Taiwan nor his family knew about our decision to have a child. However, a few close friends were aware of our efforts, and they were very supportive. I am truly grateful for their silent concern and willingness to listen to our helplessness and occasional complaints.
If you were to ask me if the child would be well off amidst so many uncertainties and challenges, I honestly cannot answer. However, I deeply believe that a child represents hope for the future, the continuation of life, and a miraculous presence. This child, carrying the “light,” will illuminate everything even in our darkest moments.
Conceiving Against All Odds and Multiple Challenges
After ten rounds of IUI (artificial insemination), one round of IVF (in vitro fertilization), and five miscarriages, enduring countless injections in both my body and psyche, I never expected that I, the infertile one, would unexpectedly conceive naturally on the sixth attempt (after enduring over three hundred injections). I successfully navigated through the agonizing journey of pregnancy. Although I eventually achieved a natural pregnancy and carried the baby to term, due to my history of miscarriages exceeding that of women of the same age and my own body’s difficulty in sustaining a pregnancy, the doctor advised me to continue injections until about six months into the pregnancy. From preparing for conception to finally giving birth, it took a little over four years. This was a long and difficult journey that many people cannot comprehend.
Yet, this child couldn’t wait to come into this world at thirty weeks. He is our dearly loved little baby, and we affectionately call him “Ji-er.”
“After the emergency C-section, I slept for quite a long time in the recovery room. When I woke up and opened my eyes, the baby wasn’t by my side (I knew it was unlikely). However, my husband was there, thoughtfully at my side. Due to the full anesthesia, I didn’t feel like myself, my head was groggy, and I couldn’t form logical questions or speak clearly. But my husband knew I wanted to ask if the baby was safe, so he showed me the freshly taken photo of our little one on his phone. To be honest, I asked myself, ‘Did he really come out of my belly?’ Just a few hours ago, he was swimming in my belly, and now he is here with us in this world! Life is truly miraculous!…
May 10, 2019
If you’re on this journey, you must have confidence and know that you are never alone.”
Ji-er and I spent nearly sixty days in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), a period filled with anxiety and worry. During this time, Brian’s condition worsened, and his tumors developed resistance to the medication, showing signs of tumor growth in his liver.
To make matters worse, I also had to face and fight against the arduous process of navigating the challenging U.S. immigration system. How did we bear all of these burdens while sinking into the depths of darkness?
Connecting with Love and tranquility
These experiences quietly connected me to the Love and tranquility website. I can’t recall the exact keywords I entered, but Love and tranquility caught my attention. After reading almost all of the articles, I decided to contact Teacher Zhan to inquire if they were willing to provide remote healing for me. While filling out the form and introducing myself to the teacher, I cried many times; it was a way to record with bare honesty the deep pain and suffering hidden in my heart.
At that moment, I was not only facing the challenge of caring for our child, who had just returned from the neonatal intensive care unit, but also the worsening condition of Brian’s illness, the physical changes in my own body, the inability to rest properly, and the seemingly endless immigration process.
In the end, with no other option, we had to shoulder the fight against the government’s immigration lawsuit. It was a kind of darkness where the whole world seemed to be against us, and no one could lend us a helping hand.
When I received the teacher’s reply, they gently refused my request for remote healing because my case could not be fully assisted through remote means. Looking at the email on the computer screen, my mind felt like a television with no power—blank, devoid of images, and with no space for thought!
However, amidst our busy days, we had no time to stop and grieve or ponder why we couldn’t get help. Our past experiences reminded us that it was okay to be rejected, that it was alright. Taking a deep breath, we temporarily set aside the chaotic thoughts in our minds and focused on the things that needed our care, doing what we could within our abilities each day.
Now, Us
After enduring eleven years of battling cancer and facing unimaginably difficult immigration procedures, the present me is filled with gratitude for all the ups and downs, and I have also learned deeper with “surrender” mentioned earlier.
In the past, my temper was as stubborn as Saturn, always deliberately and systematically expecting everything to go smoothly. However, the true essence of experiencing every journey in life lies in having the courage to let go and go with the flow. This is what we all need to learn on this fantastic journey on Earth.
Currently, Bryan is still undergoing treatment. The treatment has changed from twice a month for four to six hours each time to monthly immunotherapy sessions, which last about one and a half hours. Apart from the treatment, he is also busy with work and fatherly responsibilities. We are grateful for having medical insurance and the help of many relatives, making our situation somewhat easier, though it is still challenging. The medical expenses are somewhat manageable.
Our little star’s favorite phrase is “I LOVE YOU.” How simple yet powerful it is.
Love, infinite love, emanates from this little baby like the light of a little star—dim but always present. I am thankful for this little baby who brought love into our lives and illuminated our path. May this hard-earned happiness also shine upon others.
Bryan and I couldn’t help but ask why these events happened in our lives. But such questions have never been answered.
We have learned to face, to learn, to fight, and to challenge. Even if the whole world doesn’t believe that we can overcome it, we cannot give up before reaching the end. At the same time, we also strive to adapt to the flow of life on Earth.
Besides putting effort and not compromising for external perfection, it’s about facing one’s imperfections and reclaiming one’s power. To go with the flow doesn’t mean doing nothing; it means summoning the courage to try the many impossibilities and impossibilities and trusting the universe, completing bit by bit what the soul needs to experience in this life on Earth.
I am grateful to Teacher Zhan for always using the most concise words to guide me to face the present moment.
Whenever I painstakingly uncover and touch the most vulnerable parts of my heart, I always remember the reminder given by the teacher. As a warrior facing the outside world, I must also summon the courage to face my inner self and overcome the negative imagination that the ego might create to scare myself.
Thanks to many teachers’ guidance, I discovered that after leaving fear behind, the imagined horrors didn’t actually exist, and many predicaments quietly transformed and became smoother. This was an unexpected gain.
Upon deeper reflection, one would understand that fear weakens the true power of love. Only love (in all its forms, not just romantic love) can drive us to confront the imperfections in life.
Having gone through more than a decade of life’s trials and tribulations, experiencing many impossibilities, limitations, unexpected situations, and imperfections that many people might never experience in their lifetime, I pray that as you read our short story, regardless of your current situation, you must firmly believe and trust that you have the capability to find new ways to overcome whatever life presents to you. Don’t look outside for answers, because all along, we ourselves hold the key to the answers.
Sharing from Bryan:
One of the biggest questions that every human asks themselves is “What is my purpose
in life?” The adversities that we face in life are opportunities to find our purpose in life.
But simply finding your purpose does not give you happiness, it is aligning and making 3
things come together. Purpose, Proficiency, Passion. Use the hardships in life to find
your purpose, hone your talents well, and loving what you do will naturally come.